Leadership: It can be lonely at the top
A recent conversation with a CEO client went like this. Chris, let’s call him, called informally to spitball a conundrum he was having. He asked if we could talk it through and unpick it together. A conundrum and a client in need? I was all in.
He talked. I listened. I mean forensically listened. If this clever individual couldn’t come up with a solution on his own I’d have to focus hard to be able to offer the right solution for his challenge.
Problem was that at the end of the call, we were no closer to a solve. I was at a loss. For the first time in our conversations I had nothing of value to offer. Nothing for him to take away and try.
First chance I got, I began researching the topic and after some digging I found a couple of interesting papers that offered some tactics for Chris to try. As I hurried to mail him I was halted by a few thoughts. First was how pleased I was to have found a solution. I was practically giddy with excitement. This gave way to the more nauseating thought that the digging may have been serving my own need rather than my client’s. I always pride myself on being able to make my client’s pain my own. But when I replayed the Chris conversation in my head I realized that he walked away from our conversation smiling. Content almost. I realized that if I’d been listening with my eyes as well as my ears I’d have seen that. I’d have seen him come into the conversation tense, weighed down, struggling to articulate. I’d have seen his shoulders slowly relax as conversation came more easily. And if I hadn’t been so focused on my own disappointment I’d have seen his normal smiling self at the end of the conversation. He thanked me a little too hard considering I’d offered nothing but a sympathetic ear. And that, right there, was the nub of it. Chris just wanted someone to talk to. To listen to him. The conundrum was just the door opener.
Chris called because he was feeling alone. He needed someone to be there for him.
There are plenty of articles from the usual sources (HBR, Forbes etc) about how it can be lonely at the top but to get deep under the skin of a thing you have to go to the research. There’s lots to read but a paper by Jessy Zumaeta (2018) published in Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies took my interest. Zumaeta researched the socio-emotional costs of corporate, senior leadership by determining the challenges specific to these positions, the extent to which leaders feel lonely, and the coping strategies they apply.
All of Zumaeta’s senior leader subjects reported loneliness and an unsatisfied need to belong. One of the factors driving this is greater social distance from team members on account of being the boss. Interestingly, this was being fuelled by the expectations both of the leader themselves and their followers. It seems we’re all complicit in reinforcing a particular image of leadership as something heroic, extraordinary, superhuman. Whether leaders climb up there or they’re hoisted, the pedestal we place them on can create increased distance and isolation and reduced social connection and support.
Loneliness, Zumaeta concludes, is an occupational hazard of senior leadership.
My own experience suggests that the more people-driven the leader, the heavier the head. The team- centric leaders I know are much more inclined to shoulder emotional burdens alone. They feel the need to protect others and to inspire confidence through strength and stability. The further they walk the heavier the burden get. No one wins in the end. Just because loneliness is part of the challenge of leadership doesn’t mean we have to accept it. Shakespeare’s Henry IV said ‘uneasy lies the head that wears a crown’. I say, if that thing’s heavy get some help carrying it!
Zumaeta’s leaders employ a number of coping strategies focused on physical and mental disconnection, healthy lifestyle, influencing others and fulfilling personal passion, and support from one’s network. The things that are most effective, in my experience, are closing the distance between leader and team and developing a strong ‘back-room team’.
History and social conditioning may have manipulated us into thinking that leadership is celestial but you don’t become Teflon coated once you’ve landed the big job. As far as I’m concerned, leadership is not a trait it’s a job. A job performed by humans, for and with other humans. Coming together then, not as leader and followers, but as humans with all our flaws and foibles, quirks and peculiarities, dreads and desires is a no-brainer for me. I am 100% convinced that connecting and building relationships around the stuff that makes us human, the deep stuff that makes us who we are, has the effect of making us better and more whole in the roles we’re assigned… whether leader, follower, or other. And in the context of loneliness, it establishes a level of connectedness that the often transactional relationship of leader and follower never reaches. Zumaeta’s paper references research from Baumeister & Leary (1995) that suggests that loneliness arises less from a lack of social contact and more from a lack of intimate connections. Establishing intimacy in a team makes for more effective teams. For evidence, we need only look to the world of sports.
Also borrowing from the sports world, I love the idea of a backroom staff. A behind-the-scenes squad of specialists playing distinct roles to support the team’s or individual athlete’s efforts. This has so much untapped potential in a corporate leadership context, in my not-so-humble opinion. Every leader should have a backroom squad. A curated collection of folk drawn from professional and social networks with particular value for where the leader is at. A mentor, a coach, a challenger, an advisor, a mirror, a sounding board, a hole-picker, a comic even. Whoever the leader needs to help them to be at their best.
I suggested this to an old colleague recently who was struggling to decide whether he needed a coach or a mentor. ‘’Why choose one?’’ I said ‘’when you can choose many?’’ I’m not proposing a paid entourage, although knock yourself out if that’s your thing. I’m talking about a selection of close contacts from your existing social and professional network who make sense for your leadership context and who, crucially, you can be open with. By all means hire a leadership coach but don’t limit yourself to a squad of one.
Take a moment right now and think about who would be in your dream backroom team. Ask yourself why you’d choose these specific people. What role would you see each playing? Can you imagine being utterly open with them? What would happen if you asked them to play an informal role in your backroom team? I’d be willing to wager my savings on a positive reaction. There’s plenty of research on the value of developmental relationships such as career mentoring extending out to peers, family, and community members. I feel certain they can also serve emotional needs as ably as developmental needs.
Go a step further and become part of someone else’s backroom squad. In fact, don’t wait to be asked.
Take a look around at who you might benefit from your particular superpower and make a well- intentioned offer. You might even say it’s the leaderly thing to do, and social science research supports the positive impact of giving in combatting isolation and growing fulfillment. Win win.
So back to my friend Chris who I should have listened to with my eyes and my gut instead of just my ears and I’m reminded of another special man, my late father-in-law Denis Ryan. Denis had a favourite phrase that I always struggled with, being a bit of a chatter-box myself. He said ‘say nothing, then keep saying nothing until you hear more’.
How much more could we learn if we truly listened? How much more could we help others and ourselves if we kept saying nothing until we heard more? Denis’s phrase has become something of a mantra although I admit I’m still a work-in-progress. I kissed the Blarney Stone about 15 times as a kid so I may be beyond fixin! In any case, feel to make the mantra your own or find something that works. It would make Denis and me very happy.
Disclaimer: Don’t test me on wagering my savings. It was for illustration purposes only 🙂
Warning: Don’t come and tell me that Denis’s phrase wasn’t his. As far as I’m concerned it’s as good as trademarked. 🤣
Reference: Zumaeta, Jessy. (2018). Lonely at the Top: How Do Senior Leaders Navigate the Need to Belong?.Journal of Leadership & Organizational Studies. 26. 154805181877454. 10.1177/1548051818774548.
